Tag Archives: trip

Scotland 

Last night I dreamed that I went to Scotland with Anthony.

I remember we were the airport and I remember Anthony.

But as always my cats woke me up.

Back

Both Blue and I were in Spain, and we were trying to get back here. For some reason it was much easier for him to get back than for me. As I was arranging the details of my trip back more and more obstacles sprung up.

Heart

Heart, my heart.
Oh Captain, my captain.
I am lost, or is it I feel a loss?
This  is total stupidity, so honesty is the answer.
I connect to Skype on regular basis, if only to see if you are available. I am not quite sure why I do it, just to feel close, even if it’s just the appearance of closeness. If only to torture myself, I wonder . . .  And now, there you are. Now what? I wait for the nothingness to happen, or maybe everything or maybe both. It seems destiny or  . . . I don’t know. So close to my trip.
A second mistake is not a mistake, it is a choice. Was it a mistake? No, it didn’t feel like one. Will it be a mistake now, or a choice? Who can really tell.
My body lets me know. My throat closes and my chest hurts, my soul . . . My soul . . .  sometimes I wonder what my soul tells me. I am here sitting in front of my computer looking at a screen name, at an image. This is insane!
But I cannot take my eyes from it. I just cannot bring myself to disconnect.
Am I going crazy?

Dreaming with Steve (again)

Today I dreamed with Steve. Steve and I were together and we were invited to a birthday party by his ex, or his on-and-off girlfriend, or his is complicated (all these are valid current, real descriptions of her, I think). At first I thought it was for their son but then I discovered it was for her daughter.
Steve and I arrived together by car. I was driving without difficulty,which is surprising to me since in every car dream that I’ve had I either am on the passenger seat or there I some impediment that stops me from actually driving properly. The car was red, a Pontiac Grand Prix I think, it was my first car now that I think about it.
Her home was beautiful and big, a brick mansion owned by her father or was it stone? (not quite sure how I know this though) It was surrounded by a lush and green garden.
We arrived at the party and the next thing I know I am sitting on a sofa at a very stylish living room, in front of me her and a friend of hers. She threaten me, I can’t remember the words exactly but she did, and told me to leave Steve alone.

The second part of the dream what I remember is sitting with Steve on a sled, one of those plastic, round ones. He was sitting in front and I was holding on to his waist, we were on the stone floor and the top of a metal staircase. A round metal staircase its top flushed with the floor, mechanically unfolding like a black and deep throat that would lead us to acid digestion. The sled tilted forward and I woke up.

What I interpret from this dream? One, I’m driving the car and he is the passenger so I am taking an active role in our relationship, and let me clarify our relationship is only a friendship. Our ride ends at his ex’s . . . Not very hopeful on that front. Two, she threatened me. Possibly this reflects my own insecurities, I must learn to deal with my own weaknesses. Third, the stair case. Changes in my life, physical, spiritual or emotional. Going down a spiral staircase holding on to his waist: in the spiral stairs I see as a new beginning (with him? Since we’re both together), downwards possibly means unexpressed feelings or emotions (I want him but what else?)

The Story of Us

The story of us starts before I met him, Steven Larsen, it started before my divorce. It started long ago when I was a young, shy girl who never got the boy she liked.
I knew there was a risk when I asked to kiss him. I knew it because I’ve been there before. I knew I would fall for him but I was afraid to miss the chance.
But I’m getting ahead of myself and I should go in order and clarify there is no us, but there was for a brief moment.

My marriage, my relationship with Donnie was good but at the end I felt it had been a waste of time. Energy and love lost, so much love invested in a person who discarded me as if I were nothing. So much time of our precious lives wasted. After that I didn’t want to waste anymore time, to miss anymore chances. But with taking chances comes the possibility of pain.

I have taken my chances and I have suffered the pain. I have cried, and scream, and I still do, but the pain, the tears and the empty nights are worth it. They are worth it because he is worth it.
He is worth it because he made me laugh and he thought I was funny, because we giggled all day while we looked at each other, because he thought I was a great kisser and had perfect breasts. But most of all he is worth it because when he looked at me and smiled I melted, because when he kissed me I felt light headed.

He is worth it because while I was with him I was happy.

He is worth it because he gave me the perfect gift: Ender’s Game.

He is worth it because I felt him faster and stronger than I have felt anybody.