As I’m sitting in the sun a butterfly zips my way and hits me in the back of my head, it’s a surprisingly big thump for such a delicate light insect.
It is night and I am sitting in the sand, I hear the surf close by but I don’t see it. He is here too I can feel it, I don’t see his face but it is him I can feel his smile, although that doesn’t make any sense.
He is right here but I miss him so much it’s painful. He is standing right next to me but I still miss him. And then, there’s the butterfly, again.
A butterfly in the night.
Then I wake and it’s my cat begging for food.
I had a dream a few nights ago, but I didn’t write it down. Somehow I couldn’t forget it, it’s . . . strangeness and the connections it gave me to him.
There is a great expanse of nothingness, maybe a cool, dark expanse of sand. A beach in the winter, but without sun and without water but a beach nonetheless. There were are sitting on camp chairs, tied down, next to each other. Me and her, but who is she? I know instantly, although I’ve never seen her and I don’t know how she looks like, I don’t know her voice, the way she moves, I don’t know anything about her but I know it’s her, his sister.
We sit in silence and he appears in between us.
Today a very weird thing happened as I rode the bus home from work today. When I was in college I used to go to this Spanish cafeteria called Las Torres, I used to go there with my best friend and a couple of other friends when I was in college. It seems so long ago and yet just yesterday, and it seems . . . so far, far away . . . I just remember it, all of a sudden.
I remember the wooden table and chairs, the dim lighting, the . . . was it an aquarium? It was the place to be, the place to see, the place, our place. I remembered it all of a sudden, and then I messaged my best friend. From long time ago, for far away across the sea, from an age were we ran barefoot on the sand.
And by a chance she, a million miles away in space and time, was just so driving in front of Las Torres.
The hum of the road, the stillness inside is just an illusion outside the winds rages on and the sun blazes in a soft blue sky. In the distance I see the red column, faint, is it red? I stare as I drive, may be the sun, a mirage, I don’t know.
The hours passed.I arrive at forest of metal and wind, they stand infinite and then I see it the helices slowly it seems and then . . .
The red dry clay, millions of particles ascend to the heavens in a tornado of red.
Sometimes I don’t know where I’m going from here.
Sometimes I don’t know where I stand.
Even when I look around me I don’t recognize my surroundings and I find myself looking for familiar places and familiar faces. I search the sky but the light is different, I open the windows but the air doesn’t smell the same way . . .
No trees, no water, no sand . . .Just an immense expanse of gray concrete.