I had a dream, a very long dream. Full of sadness and regret, full of poisonous thoughts . . . Poisonous to me most of all.
I dreamed of him, naked on the bed, naked on his living room, naked with another woman. I don’t know who she was, it didn’t really mattered. It only mattered that she existed for him and I didn’t.
I can do it. I can get through this. I have done it before and it was worst.
I can do it. I am strong. It was death before and I am alive.
I can do it. I am a woman. I am a survivor of many things, of this too.
I can do it.
They burn my face, the cut my skin leaving behind the proof of my emptiness.
I bear the scars of my love and my loss and the pain . . . The pain so sweet and the release so complete.
The oblivion and the darkness of death calls me to them. Or are they in me already?
The numbness spreads from within me, the ice.
The ice sharp as needles, from inside me slowly crawling to the surface.
To feel it. To feel nothing. To slowly give in.
Accept to be one, only one. In the cold, in the darkness, in the arid emptiness of human life.
Slowly we come together, holding hands only in our minds and kissing in the shadows.
Slowly we see each other as we are, and accept maybe not only ourselves.
Slowly we strip and stand naked with our personalities exposed and raw.
Slowly we heal and understand.
We wait, we watch each other expecting the pain.
We wait for the darkness, we see it in the brightest light.
We wait for the deceit that never comes and the betrayal that lives only in our hearts and not each other’s.
We wait for the end, the doom, the proof that our pain is real and it’s not ours but each other’s.
I wonder why we don’t embrace the truth, the light and don’t let go of the shadow of pain that doesn’t exist.
Walk through the darkness of everyday life after the loss of a friend. Thinking and feeling what was to have a friend, what was to share a cup of coffee, what was to live everyday life with a little more light than I have now.
To learn and to relearn to move, to breathe, to talk, to work . . . To function without my friend. A friend, a good and true friend, such a rare thing to find, such an oddity an anomaly – at least in my life.-
A friend lost forevermore. No god, no heaven, no afterlife for me and therefore forever without my friend I will be.