Tag Archives: relationships

In my mind

He lives in my mind, the pain lives here too.
Every good and bad memory, every soft touch and every harsh word.
He lives within time, still and fluid, clear and  . . . not so clear.
He makes me cry, he makes me sigh, he makes me dream.
Dreams that turn into nightmares.
He lives in my waking time, he lives in my sleep, he lives in the empty space next to me.
He is trapped in my mind and I am trapped here too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

As I sit here

As I sit here I think of nothing else. Nothing else at all but the one, one and only  – or is it lonely? – thought. The thought, the thought, the thought like a plague that starts small and takes you to the grave. The grave of my soul, the grave of my heart, the grave of my life to end it all. End it all at once, but not my life, but not my soul, but not my heart, but that one lonely, only plague-like thought.

The thought of thoughts, the only one. But multiplying until there is none. None other, no others, not many and not few. An image and smile and then all it’s done. Done forever, done for never, done and done and done again. A cycle that never ends. A cycle, a cycle, a bicycle that goes and goes and never gets there.

A never ending story, a never ending cycle of cycles as it repeats and repeats but is never the same and always . . . always the end. The same end, a different story but along came a spider, a story? A cycle? Again and again I go. First, I was blind, then I was naive, and now with my eyes wide open and my heart cracked and broken. For what else can one thought do if it has already taken my heart and my soul? It has taken all, has taken me and myself and my oxidized heart, in pieces and stitched up.

Stitched up heart, a stitched up soul, a stitched up life. A life made up, a life created, a life lived and now pervaded by one little lonely thought, a life so full, a life so lost and a life yet found. Found a life, found a heart, found a smile and there it is. It is a lonely, little thought that kills me slowly and gives me life. The life of hopeless romantics which I am not. The life of  . . . of those I don’t want to be, the life, the life I don’t want to live.

And yet, I live, I live beyond this lonely thought. I live as if it does not exist and I push and push until is nearly gone. Forgotten it stays until the end of the day,

The other one

I had a dream,  a very long dream. Full of sadness and regret, full of poisonous thoughts . . . Poisonous to me most of all.
I dreamed of him, naked on the bed, naked on his living room, naked with another woman. I don’t know who she was, it didn’t really mattered. It only mattered that she existed for him and I didn’t.

Strong

I can do it. I can get through this. I have done it before and it was worst.

I can do it. I am strong. It was death before and I am alive.

I can do it. I am a woman. I am a survivor of many things, of this too.

I  can do it.

The way I feel now

They burn my face, the cut my skin leaving behind the proof of my emptiness.

I bear the scars of my love and my loss and the pain . . . The pain so sweet and the release so complete.

The oblivion and the darkness of death calls me to them. Or are they in me already?

The numbness spreads from within me, the ice.

The ice sharp as needles, from inside me slowly crawling to the surface.

To feel it. To feel nothing. To slowly give in.

Accept to be one, only one. In the cold, in the darkness, in the arid emptiness of human life.