Tag Archives: relationships

Walk through the darkness of everyday life after the loss of a friend. Thinking and feeling what was to have a friend, what was to share a cup of coffee, what was to live everyday life with a little more light than I have now.

To learn and to relearn to move, to breathe, to talk, to work . . . To function without my friend. A friend, a good and true friend, such a rare thing to find, such an oddity an anomaly – at least in my life.-

A friend lost forevermore. No god, no heaven, no afterlife for me and therefore forever without my friend I will be.

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I know I am to care, and I do.

I know I am to suffer, but I don’t.

I wait for the pain to come, I wait for the tears to flow, I wait for my soul to be tortured and my heart to be wretched but I feel nothing.

I feel nothing but the silence and the calmness that nothingness brings.

Nothingness and the care for someone who doesn’t care.

How can it be that if I care, I feel nothing?

I won’t go

I won’t go, even though I want to more than breathing itself, I want to!

I won’t go because we are not dating, and because we are not dating you will feel the need to let me know that we are not. To let me know that you asked me out as a friend only, that you are not hinting at dating, that you are not interested in a serious relationship at this time or in dating me in the near future.

And you will say or do something hurtful to me and regret it later. You will say something unnecessary because I already know we are not dating, I am perfectly aware of it. After all, it has been my state of being for a while, the state of not dating you.

This is your pattern of behavior. You get close to me and then you pull away, and say it’s me when it’s really you. I don’t see you breaking this pattern so I will break mine. I always take every chance I have to be in your company, not because I want to date you but because you are my friend, and I don’t have many friends. I want to spend every moment I can in your company, there is a reason why I call you sunshine sometimes. But I won’t.

I won’t go when you ask me to. I won’t because we are not dating.

I die

I die a little when you are mean to me, because I love you.
I die a little when you don’t ask me out to concerts, because I love you.
I die a little when you don’t answer my texts right away, because I love you.
I die a little when you are silent to my questions, because I love you.

I understand why you are mean to me, because I love you.
I know why don’t ask me out to concerts, because I love you.
I know you don’t have to answer my texts right away, because I love you.
I respect your silence, because I love you.

Because I love you,
Because I love you,
Because I love you,
And you don’t love me.

And he repeats:

  • I don’t trust anyone.
  • I like to keep my life simple and not overanalyze things.
  • I am happy, just me and my cat.

And I wonder:

  • Why does he keep telling me this?
  • I don’t need convincing.
  • He needs convincing.