Tag Archives: reality

Change

Around and around in my own head I go.

Wandering of wanderings.

Sometimes I see it so clearly, it’s so obvious.

Sometimes I clearly see I don’t see it.

What is it about him? What is it about me?

What is is it in this world?

Confusion and pain, in this I live.

In peace and death I wish to be.

In tears I drown, yet none I allow.

Because I know to not, not believe, yet endure.

Endure the reality of  . . . I don’t know what. I only know what not.

What is not, what it won’t. Be.

Be. It’s all I am. I am me.

I am me and I wander and I wonder and I ask.

No answer.

Never. No. Not. Always.

Always the same that it is not.

I know. I know. I even know why. But nothing will change.

I will change.

I need to change.

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Anthony David

It seems I am at the end and the beginning, of what it is gone and what it is to come. 

For what may come, I can only dream it, wish it and either, wait for it or run to it. But it would be to run into nothingness.

My dreams come true, if only . . . A memory only or wishful thinking. Unrealistic, exactly, I know reality too well.

To be loved why does it seem that we are not to love ourselves too? To be loved why does it seem that we are to sacrifice our heart and soul?

To keep them, to keep myself then it is for me the endless death of ongoing existence. Or it could only be that I feel sad today and tomorrow he will be gone from my thoughts.

Gone forever, until I see him again or hear him, or maybe until I see a cat or hear the rain. I’ll  forget him until my next Sunday morning cup of coffee.

Or maybe tomorrow I’ll remember when I was hurt, or when I cried, or when I didn’t understand and this thoughts will push him out of my mind.

At the end and at the beginning as it is suppose to be. To make room for what it is to come some things need to be gone. 

Gone, but not gone, never or maybe always.

Darkness

I randomly start writing and this is what comes out. I think of him and inevitably think of sex, is no wonder,  you don’t have to be a hormone-ranging teenager to think about someone and to immediately sex pops into your mind. I walk along a beach now, I remember the smell of the ocean so clearly. As soon as I feel the sand under me it’s like no time has elapse whatsoever. It is so strange . . .I cannot understand it and yet, I understand Einstein the Theory of Relatively perfectly. It’s all in less than a second. The sun, the sand, the water . . . And suddenly time doesn’t exist anymore. All the hours and days and infinite, infinite seconds of every moment of your life since you left that place dissolve into nothingness. The same nothingness that has accompanied me for so long . . . Or is it you? So long that it has disappeared. And there, there is darkness, all around us, inside us, coming out of us thorough our words. Words are a construct, like the entirety of reality is just a construct. Now I’m thinking of The Matrix and also thinking if this makes any sense. And by this I mean all that I have just written.