Tag Archives: mind

In my mind

He lives in my mind, the pain lives here too.
Every good and bad memory, every soft touch and every harsh word.
He lives within time, still and fluid, clear and  . . . not so clear.
He makes me cry, he makes me sigh, he makes me dream.
Dreams that turn into nightmares.
He lives in my waking time, he lives in my sleep, he lives in the empty space next to me.
He is trapped in my mind and I am trapped here too.















































What is going on inside that heart of yours?
What is going on in that mind of yours?

You cooked for me, we watched a movie, we cuddled, drank wine and had sex. For goodness sake we had ice cream!
And then you turned colder than the iceberg that sank the Titanic.

I understand and respect that bachelor life that you can’t stop talking about,
I wonder who you are trying to convince? You or me?
What I don’t understand is what you do when it comes to me.

Now you’re hot and now you’re cold,
Now you are solicitous and kind, and now you are distant and so far away.

As my advice, you should have sex with someone who doesn’t care,
Who doesn’t care about you and then, they won’t get hurt.
As my advice, you should have sex with someone for whom you care,
Someone you care about and then, you won’t hurt them.


I randomly start writing and this is what comes out. I think of him and inevitably think of sex, is no wonder,  you don’t have to be a hormone-ranging teenager to think about someone and to immediately sex pops into your mind. I walk along a beach now, I remember the smell of the ocean so clearly. As soon as I feel the sand under me it’s like no time has elapse whatsoever. It is so strange . . .I cannot understand it and yet, I understand Einstein the Theory of Relatively perfectly. It’s all in less than a second. The sun, the sand, the water . . . And suddenly time doesn’t exist anymore. All the hours and days and infinite, infinite seconds of every moment of your life since you left that place dissolve into nothingness. The same nothingness that has accompanied me for so long . . . Or is it you? So long that it has disappeared. And there, there is darkness, all around us, inside us, coming out of us thorough our words. Words are a construct, like the entirety of reality is just a construct. Now I’m thinking of The Matrix and also thinking if this makes any sense. And by this I mean all that I have just written.


Soooo, I was watching Bones on Netflix and my mind started wondering. I am not sure why or how but it came to rest upon him.
I tend to fall in love quite easily, I tend to let my imagination fly without restrain and see a future together, see the potential in us. Of course, is always a construct and, on occasion for a short time it can become a reality. But, in the past, until now, until him I would . . . My mind and my heart would wonder and imagine the future life of all that could be. But not with him.

With him I cannot envision a life together, I cannot see the potential that we could have, there are no thoughts of tomorrow or thoughts of a relationship or . . . There are no visions of the future with him. And yet he never leaves me, he never leaves my thoughts.

With him there are only thoughts of sex and conversations,
With him there are only thoughts of his smile and his voice,
With him there are only leaping hearts and flying butterflies.

When I close my eyes I see him smiling and . . . I feel . . .
I feel something I cannot describe, something that makes me smile, something that makes me  . . . different. Different because I don’t want dinner dates together and the possibility of a future, I don’t believe we are meant for each other, I . . . I just want to lay in his arms, maybe not forever but as much as I can and hear his voice softly talking to me.

I just want sex and conversation. Nothing more. But is so strange because I don’t think I love him but I could.

It is strange because is only sex, but more than sex, it’s what I feel.
Confusion, elation, joy, sadness, more confusion, lust, desire, desire to run either to him or away from him, fear, self-consciousness, lust, lust and the irrational desire to be near him.


Indeed the emptiness of not knowing what to write,
The stress of being unable to find the inspiration,
The muse escapes me,
And I go back to my . . . I don’t know what to call him.
Something, because he is something, to occupy my mind.

He has stopped being a person in my mind, he is not an individual.
He is just a thought, a memory, a fall back.
Alone and, let’s face it bored I come back to him.
Life is a circle or a cycle.

He is at the beginning and at the end,
He is everywhere and nowhere at the same time.
He is not everything though, nor is he nothing.

Then the flicker of hope,
Like the moonlight through my window,
And I smile at the futility of hope.

The futility of hope,
The cruel and wasteland that is reality,
But yet, I cannot let go of hope.

Hopes and dreams are what keep us alive.
How . . . mundane.
How. . . stereotypical.

And yet, knowing the impossibility of it all I smiled.
Smile when I see him.
Smile when I hear him.
Smile when I think of him.

Smile at my ray of moonlight,
Just as evasive,
Just as surreal.

As the moonlight is only a reflection of the sunlight,
As the moon is cold and the sun is warm,
As the moon is always half hidden.

Yet, I love the moon shrouded in mystery
Yet, I love the silver moonlight
Yet, I love the way I feel because of him

Him, who doesn’t know,
Him, who will never know,
Him, my hope.