Tag Archives: live

As I sit here

As I sit here I think of nothing else. Nothing else at all but the one, one and only  – or is it lonely? – thought. The thought, the thought, the thought like a plague that starts small and takes you to the grave. The grave of my soul, the grave of my heart, the grave of my life to end it all. End it all at once, but not my life, but not my soul, but not my heart, but that one lonely, only plague-like thought.

The thought of thoughts, the only one. But multiplying until there is none. None other, no others, not many and not few. An image and smile and then all it’s done. Done forever, done for never, done and done and done again. A cycle that never ends. A cycle, a cycle, a bicycle that goes and goes and never gets there.

A never ending story, a never ending cycle of cycles as it repeats and repeats but is never the same and always . . . always the end. The same end, a different story but along came a spider, a story? A cycle? Again and again I go. First, I was blind, then I was naive, and now with my eyes wide open and my heart cracked and broken. For what else can one thought do if it has already taken my heart and my soul? It has taken all, has taken me and myself and my oxidized heart, in pieces and stitched up.

Stitched up heart, a stitched up soul, a stitched up life. A life made up, a life created, a life lived and now pervaded by one little lonely thought, a life so full, a life so lost and a life yet found. Found a life, found a heart, found a smile and there it is. It is a lonely, little thought that kills me slowly and gives me life. The life of hopeless romantics which I am not. The life of  . . . of those I don’t want to be, the life, the life I don’t want to live.

And yet, I live, I live beyond this lonely thought. I live as if it does not exist and I push and push until is nearly gone. Forgotten it stays until the end of the day,

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Walk through the darkness of everyday life after the loss of a friend. Thinking and feeling what was to have a friend, what was to share a cup of coffee, what was to live everyday life with a little more light than I have now.

To learn and to relearn to move, to breathe, to talk, to work . . . To function without my friend. A friend, a good and true friend, such a rare thing to find, such an oddity an anomaly – at least in my life.-

A friend lost forevermore. No god, no heaven, no afterlife for me and therefore forever without my friend I will be.

Slowly

Slowly, slowly I wonder why.
Slowly, slowly I think I know.
What is guilt? She must know.
What is guilt? She suffers so much so.
In her heart only hatred lives.
In her soul only venom exists.
She spreads her poison onto me.
Doesn’t she know the poison will kill her from within?
Her anger consumes her.
Her hatred blinds her.
I see how she slowly drowns.
Unable to help her as she goes down.
I fear all hope is lost for her to live in peace.

In The Cards

It was in the cards, change is coming.
I feel it in the air, I feel it in the sea.
As I stand at the edge of the world with the swirling clouds above me.
As I stand at the edge of the world.
I see the horizon but nothing more.
The change is coming and I am in fear.
I chose to live without fear.
Self awareness.
Courage.
Change is coming, it is in the cards.
But I see nothing.
The future doesn’t exist, only in our minds.
The past doesn’t exist, only in our memory.
Death’s gift: the death of the past so it would burden us no more.
The gift of Death.
The gift of Death is no fear.
I will go forth not without fear, but
Fear will not control me.