Tag Archives: life

The Wedding Dream

The room was different, I can’t not say in what sense, but it was different. Nonetheless it was the same room. The room, in my grandmother’s house that had been the guest room first then my aunt’s room.  I was standing in front of a full-length mirror on the side of the door. I looked at myself and at my short hair, the style was so 70’s that I was surprised at myself. I was also wearing a wedding dress.

A wedding dress with very simple lines, it followed the contour of my body and ended on a small A-line from my thighs down – I’m not sure why this is important but it seemed to be. – The dress had a high collar and it was digging into my neck, so my (long dead) grandmother cut the collar out with a pair of scissors, the collar happened to be a separate piece altogether.

The wedding was celebrated at my grandmother’s house, in her garden and as I came out of the house I saw the groom standing outside. He looked sharp in a black suit, smiling and handsome. Around us in the garden were family members and friends but their faces were blurred.

I don’t remember the ceremony taking place but suddenly we were ready to leave for our honey moon. I called to him but he didn’t come, at least not in a timely fashion. When he finally came he wouldn’t talk to me, didn’t he hear me? My feeling of impotence was overwhelming, maybe too overwhelming for the situation but because of it I made a decision.

My husband was a non-responsive man, obviously my newly wed life wasn’t going as well as anticipated. I decided to get my bags, jump in my car and take my honeymoon trip by myself. Leaving my husband to ponder his lack of . . . response.

It was a highly satisfactory.

Dream interpretation:

  • To dream you are getting married may represent your commitment to or partnership with someone or something.
  • These dreams suggest a bond with that person you might be getting married too.  This could also suggest a long term partnership or tying the knot in some aspect in your life.  It is also possible you want to get married.
  • May represent a union or merging of the masculine and feminine aspects of yourself.
  • May be wish fulfillment, if you desire to get married in waking life.
  • Your unconscious may be telling you that you have met the one you should marry.
  • If you dream of a wedding dress or wedding ring, you may be evaluating a current relationship and considering the prospect of getting married; you may be considering making a commitment to someone or something.
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Who knows

Who knows?

Not me.

I have no fucking clue.

No clue at all of what the hell am I doing.

In my mind

He lives in my mind, the pain lives here too.
Every good and bad memory, every soft touch and every harsh word.
He lives within time, still and fluid, clear and  . . . not so clear.
He makes me cry, he makes me sigh, he makes me dream.
Dreams that turn into nightmares.
He lives in my waking time, he lives in my sleep, he lives in the empty space next to me.
He is trapped in my mind and I am trapped here too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As I sit here

As I sit here I think of nothing else. Nothing else at all but the one, one and only  – or is it lonely? – thought. The thought, the thought, the thought like a plague that starts small and takes you to the grave. The grave of my soul, the grave of my heart, the grave of my life to end it all. End it all at once, but not my life, but not my soul, but not my heart, but that one lonely, only plague-like thought.

The thought of thoughts, the only one. But multiplying until there is none. None other, no others, not many and not few. An image and smile and then all it’s done. Done forever, done for never, done and done and done again. A cycle that never ends. A cycle, a cycle, a bicycle that goes and goes and never gets there.

A never ending story, a never ending cycle of cycles as it repeats and repeats but is never the same and always . . . always the end. The same end, a different story but along came a spider, a story? A cycle? Again and again I go. First, I was blind, then I was naive, and now with my eyes wide open and my heart cracked and broken. For what else can one thought do if it has already taken my heart and my soul? It has taken all, has taken me and myself and my oxidized heart, in pieces and stitched up.

Stitched up heart, a stitched up soul, a stitched up life. A life made up, a life created, a life lived and now pervaded by one little lonely thought, a life so full, a life so lost and a life yet found. Found a life, found a heart, found a smile and there it is. It is a lonely, little thought that kills me slowly and gives me life. The life of hopeless romantics which I am not. The life of  . . . of those I don’t want to be, the life, the life I don’t want to live.

And yet, I live, I live beyond this lonely thought. I live as if it does not exist and I push and push until is nearly gone. Forgotten it stays until the end of the day,

Darkness Falls

As I sit in the rain and darkness falls I am surrounded by strangers and I’m one  in the crowd. The lights in the city envelop us like an electric cocoon, the sky, somehow seems fake.
I feel alone, somehow. I’m not supposed to be this way, I’m not this way, when did I change? And how can I change back?
I listen to the cacophony of voices , drowning in the nonsensical chatter. Why am I here? How can I find my way back?
As darkness falls I search for my way back.