Tag Archives: laugh

Pain

I laugh and laugh all through my tears, for whom or what I do not know. For me, I think, for my battered soul, or is it my heart that took the toll? My heart, my mind, I’m loosing both for something that doesn’t last or even exist, of this I’m sure.
For pain it comes from knowing not, confusion and being lost. Lost in someone? Lost somewhere? Lost every day and everywhere.
The pain it comes from within, for me and for him. Not to see, not to understand, to talk, to hear, but exactly what? What I say but not what I mean. I don’t understand and neither does he.
And this is where we stand. Confused, in pain, not knowing what is what. I wonder if we’ll ever understand what we really mean when we talk.

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Practice stream of consciousness 

I don’t know what I’m waiting for, or even if I am waiting for anything at all. In truth I was looking forward to a broken heart since it seems to improve my writing. But no depressing thoughts or emotionally charged thoughts of loneliness so far.

I have my moments though, a thought of him, about him, surprises me now and then. Some times I want to tell him something, or sometimes I just want to put my head on his chest – yes, yes I know . . . This is utterly throw-up gagging can’t stand it ridiculousness. Other times I remember his dark moods and everything makes sense.

I’m not sure what’s happening. I keep imagining the weirdest things to try and get a reaction from within me. For example, what if I saw him with a girlfriend? Nothing. What if I saw him with a gorgeous girlfriend? Nothing, well . . . Nope, nothing. I know I like him, I can feel it, but still no heart wrenching pain.

I was pretty mad last week, hurt, confused . . . Then I laughed as I hadn’t laugh in a while. I wish, I wish so many things that cannot be because I am me and he is him. I wouldn’t like him if he wasn’t him, but that also means I can’t be with him. A conundrum, but only for me. Well, for both but he would never admit it.

Three Dreams

Before my cats started fighting this morning I was dreaming, and sleeping a very deep and satisfying sleep. Three dreams.

Dream 1:

A huge expanse of land, a dry, hard packed, white-ochre soil flat and extending as far as you can see. In the middle of it I am standing, surrounded by a huge ancient building. Stone buildings, over a hundred stories high, a mix between western Asian and Chinese architecture – or at least what I think it is western Asian and Chinese architecture with my limited knowledge. – The buildings are topped with hugs long, Chinese dragons. I stand in the middle of a semicircle formed by the buildings, in the middle of the day, a bright, cold day in the middle of the desert.

I wanted to leave, immediately, I knew what was coming. Like in a b-rated horror movie  vampires would come out of the buildings, they would turn the blue sky black and we would all be dead.

Dream 2:

People for work, colleagues, all in a bus. There was an office building but I don’t remember where or why I was there. But I remember coming down a flight of stairs and getting in a bus.

Dream 3:

I was at the airport waiting for a plane, and I was with him,  A. We were laughing, sitting across each other at a table, his back to the airport windows. He has his right leg crossed over this left one, his laughing and sassing me and I’m sassing him back. We are talking about his sister, and a letter written in pink stationary.

Two dreams

The first dream,

A white expanse of perfectly square blocks of rock. Different sizes, connected through ramps and staircases but all impeccably white, exactly white, without a spec of any other color. And a sky so high and blue, so far away a cool, so absolutely clear.
The three of us scape from the school, we wear our uniforms, ne the ridiculous plaid skirt and they V-necks and ties, we ran . . . no we are on skateboards? One big skateboard, with the three of us on top. Flying over the whiteness and square-ness of it all, laughing our triumphant escape.
And to be totally honest, I had never actually looked as good in my uniform in real life.

Second dream,

Ben is driving a bus, and I am inside it.

 

The Blue Tie

I wanted to arrive early, I didn’t but I arrived just before you did. I looked around but I was so nervous I really didn’t want to find you. I went in and order a hibiscus mint ice tea – as it happens you ordered the same thing -, then I sat outside and decided to . . .  Well, I’m not sure what I decided but I sat and waited and I sweated and got increasingly nervous..

Then I saw you, or maybe you saw me and you smiled and tilted your head.

And you laughed and looked out to the distance and told me about your dog and then you asked for my number but never texted me. Well, OK it was only two days ago. . .