Tag Archives: future

Stream of conciousness

It is quite strange what I feel, a sensation, a feeling, alien to me to a certain extent. I am not in love, that I know, but . . . then, what is it? No wish for a future, no wish for . . . For what? Nothing. I want nothing and yet . . . Not sure if anything at all is going to happen, not sure  . . . Maybe we are both too shy to take the first step, maybe more than maybe. Maybe . . .
How to describe it fully, when a myriad of sensations run through my body and soul when he smiles. How to tell him, how to make him understand. Or does he already knows?
I feel helpless.



I dreamed of him. Even though I didn’t want to. I dreamed of him years later, 8 maybe 10 years later, oddly he looks exactly the same as then. Or is it now? And I am just dreaming of the future? He stands by me and looks at the blonde, blue eyed boy who is just like him. Why didn’t you say? He asked. And I don’t know why, maybe I wanted to protect his youth, maybe I wanted to keep secret that part of him that belonged to me. But no part of him ever belonged to me. The boy is his son, the boy is my son. We are forever attached through him, but he is not mine and never has been, I do not want to be attach to him if I cannot have him. But there is the boy.


To dream of a son that you don’t have represents an emotional investment or hope for the future in a situation where you are dominant, assertive, or insensitive. Determined protective feelings. Doing everything you can to maintain control over a situation. Being stuck with a decision where you have a leading or controlling stake. Deciding to assert yourself or be aggressive and now living with the consequences or responsibility of that decision. A developing masculine aspect of your personality or life.


To see that you have a son in your dream symbolizes that your financial expectation which seems like impossible will come true.



Soooo, I was watching Bones on Netflix and my mind started wondering. I am not sure why or how but it came to rest upon him.
I tend to fall in love quite easily, I tend to let my imagination fly without restrain and see a future together, see the potential in us. Of course, is always a construct and, on occasion for a short time it can become a reality. But, in the past, until now, until him I would . . . My mind and my heart would wonder and imagine the future life of all that could be. But not with him.

With him I cannot envision a life together, I cannot see the potential that we could have, there are no thoughts of tomorrow or thoughts of a relationship or . . . There are no visions of the future with him. And yet he never leaves me, he never leaves my thoughts.

With him there are only thoughts of sex and conversations,
With him there are only thoughts of his smile and his voice,
With him there are only leaping hearts and flying butterflies.

When I close my eyes I see him smiling and . . . I feel . . .
I feel something I cannot describe, something that makes me smile, something that makes me  . . . different. Different because I don’t want dinner dates together and the possibility of a future, I don’t believe we are meant for each other, I . . . I just want to lay in his arms, maybe not forever but as much as I can and hear his voice softly talking to me.

I just want sex and conversation. Nothing more. But is so strange because I don’t think I love him but I could.

It is strange because is only sex, but more than sex, it’s what I feel.
Confusion, elation, joy, sadness, more confusion, lust, desire, desire to run either to him or away from him, fear, self-consciousness, lust, lust and the irrational desire to be near him.

The lies we tell ourselves: Lie #1

  1.  Change is always for the better, even if we don’t see it now.
    Oh well, all we have is now, we don’t have the past and we don’t have the future, technically neither exists so . . . . WTF!!! If it sucks now and you’re miserable it is obvious that the change is not for the better. Time and our ever wonderful brains will fade out the pain and we well be happy again, but unless you live both paths, both lives and then compare them how could you possibly know that it was, in fact, for the better.


There in the sun.
Water and sweat.
A bird, a tree, a bike.
And then, there is me.

Incongruent among the coolness and stereotypical, but nevertheless true, beauty.

Dream the impossible.
Then get a reality check.
Wake in the night and sleep during the day.
Upside down.

Everything has to do with the past.
The past that doesn’t exist.
The future that doesn’t exist.
Everything is now.

All there is, all that exists is the present.
There is nothing more.
There will never be anything else but, now.
I don’t have the courage.