Tag Archives: falling in love

I am in love

I am in love. I’m not sure when it started, although I think I know how, with his smile definitely with his smile.

He is imperfect and he is so guarded with his feelings that he hurts me, not all the time but enough times for me to know that, even though I love him he does not love me.

We haven’t spend time together in four weeks, real time I mean, not just bitching about work in a safe public place. I knew it the moment I told him I was hurt and not mad, the moment I told him he had been inconsiderate and disrespectful that we were done. He never apologized and he never called me back for coffee Sunday mornings or dinner and sex.

He never apologized.

And I never called him back.

I never called him back even though I love him, even though he is in my heart and in my mind constantly. If I did, after what he said to me, I would loose all my self respect and I couldn’t live with myself then.

I can live without him, I can live in pain and sorrow, I can live with my tears and my sleepless nights but I cannot live without self respect.

He told me he didn’t care if I cared. When I was hurt, he didn’t care. Then I knew that even though I loved him and I love him still I couldn’t be with him.

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What is going on inside that heart of yours?
What is going on in that mind of yours?

You cooked for me, we watched a movie, we cuddled, drank wine and had sex. For goodness sake we had ice cream!
And then you turned colder than the iceberg that sank the Titanic.

I understand and respect that bachelor life that you can’t stop talking about,
I wonder who you are trying to convince? You or me?
What I don’t understand is what you do when it comes to me.

Now you’re hot and now you’re cold,
Now you are solicitous and kind, and now you are distant and so far away.

As my advice, you should have sex with someone who doesn’t care,
Who doesn’t care about you and then, they won’t get hurt.
As my advice, you should have sex with someone for whom you care,
Someone you care about and then, you won’t hurt them.

Different

Soooo, I was watching Bones on Netflix and my mind started wondering. I am not sure why or how but it came to rest upon him.
I tend to fall in love quite easily, I tend to let my imagination fly without restrain and see a future together, see the potential in us. Of course, is always a construct and, on occasion for a short time it can become a reality. But, in the past, until now, until him I would . . . My mind and my heart would wonder and imagine the future life of all that could be. But not with him.

With him I cannot envision a life together, I cannot see the potential that we could have, there are no thoughts of tomorrow or thoughts of a relationship or . . . There are no visions of the future with him. And yet he never leaves me, he never leaves my thoughts.

With him there are only thoughts of sex and conversations,
With him there are only thoughts of his smile and his voice,
With him there are only leaping hearts and flying butterflies.

When I close my eyes I see him smiling and . . . I feel . . .
I feel something I cannot describe, something that makes me smile, something that makes me  . . . different. Different because I don’t want dinner dates together and the possibility of a future, I don’t believe we are meant for each other, I . . . I just want to lay in his arms, maybe not forever but as much as I can and hear his voice softly talking to me.

I just want sex and conversation. Nothing more. But is so strange because I don’t think I love him but I could.

It is strange because is only sex, but more than sex, it’s what I feel.
Confusion, elation, joy, sadness, more confusion, lust, desire, desire to run either to him or away from him, fear, self-consciousness, lust, lust and the irrational desire to be near him.

Get out of . . . well, my head.

Have you ever met someone and knew you were perfect for each other? You talk, you laugh, you love together and even on the brief moment of a casual encounter you know he is perfect for you, and you are perfect for him. You can feel it in every single cell of your body, the tip of your fingers burn, your skin tingles, you can’t stop smiling and  . . .Your thoughts melt when he looks at you.

Every word spoken is like a discovery of a part of yourself you didn’t know existed. Being with him is like a dream, a complete creation but also a discovery. It’s hard to describe your life with him in it, because you cannot remember life before him. Destiny (if you believe in it), the inescapable journey of your souls towards each other.

And then it ends, without reason, just like that. It ends but . . .

Then he is in your dreams,
Then he is in your fantasies,
Then he is in your thoughts,
Then he is in your words,
Then he is in your poetry,
He is in your heart, in your soul, in your mind.

To you who are inside me, get out!