- When you remain silent after I ask you a question which requires an answer.
- When you expect me to bring wine to your house every time I come over.
- When you don’t show me respect.
- When you make fun of me, because by your own admission makes you feel big.
- When you don’t say proper good buy.
- When you feel confused and helpless and say that I am insecure.
- When your fear prevents your emotional growth.
- When you fear my emotional intelligence.
- When I allowed you in my life.
I never understood this phrase until today.
His smile sends me soaring to the sky.
His indifference into the deepest black hole.
And I seem unable to control myself.
Every word I say starts with his name,
Every though I have starts with his gaze,
Every thing I see its the color of his eyes.
I am empty except for him,
I am deaf except to his voice,
I am lost within him.
To be trapped within my thoughts of him.
Soooo, I was watching Bones on Netflix and my mind started wondering. I am not sure why or how but it came to rest upon him.
I tend to fall in love quite easily, I tend to let my imagination fly without restrain and see a future together, see the potential in us. Of course, is always a construct and, on occasion for a short time it can become a reality. But, in the past, until now, until him I would . . . My mind and my heart would wonder and imagine the future life of all that could be. But not with him.
With him I cannot envision a life together, I cannot see the potential that we could have, there are no thoughts of tomorrow or thoughts of a relationship or . . . There are no visions of the future with him. And yet he never leaves me, he never leaves my thoughts.
With him there are only thoughts of sex and conversations,
With him there are only thoughts of his smile and his voice,
With him there are only leaping hearts and flying butterflies.
When I close my eyes I see him smiling and . . . I feel . . .
I feel something I cannot describe, something that makes me smile, something that makes me . . . different. Different because I don’t want dinner dates together and the possibility of a future, I don’t believe we are meant for each other, I . . . I just want to lay in his arms, maybe not forever but as much as I can and hear his voice softly talking to me.
I just want sex and conversation. Nothing more. But is so strange because I don’t think I love him but I could.
It is strange because is only sex, but more than sex, it’s what I feel.
Confusion, elation, joy, sadness, more confusion, lust, desire, desire to run either to him or away from him, fear, self-consciousness, lust, lust and the irrational desire to be near him.
Heart, my heart.
Oh Captain, my captain.
I am lost, or is it I feel a loss?
This is total stupidity, so honesty is the answer.
I connect to Skype on regular basis, if only to see if you are available. I am not quite sure why I do it, just to feel close, even if it’s just the appearance of closeness. If only to torture myself, I wonder . . . And now, there you are. Now what? I wait for the nothingness to happen, or maybe everything or maybe both. It seems destiny or . . . I don’t know. So close to my trip.
A second mistake is not a mistake, it is a choice. Was it a mistake? No, it didn’t feel like one. Will it be a mistake now, or a choice? Who can really tell.
My body lets me know. My throat closes and my chest hurts, my soul . . . My soul . . . sometimes I wonder what my soul tells me. I am here sitting in front of my computer looking at a screen name, at an image. This is insane!
But I cannot take my eyes from it. I just cannot bring myself to disconnect.
Am I going crazy?