Tag Archives: confused

Different

Soooo, I was watching Bones on Netflix and my mind started wondering. I am not sure why or how but it came to rest upon him.
I tend to fall in love quite easily, I tend to let my imagination fly without restrain and see a future together, see the potential in us. Of course, is always a construct and, on occasion for a short time it can become a reality. But, in the past, until now, until him I would . . . My mind and my heart would wonder and imagine the future life of all that could be. But not with him.

With him I cannot envision a life together, I cannot see the potential that we could have, there are no thoughts of tomorrow or thoughts of a relationship or . . . There are no visions of the future with him. And yet he never leaves me, he never leaves my thoughts.

With him there are only thoughts of sex and conversations,
With him there are only thoughts of his smile and his voice,
With him there are only leaping hearts and flying butterflies.

When I close my eyes I see him smiling and . . . I feel . . .
I feel something I cannot describe, something that makes me smile, something that makes me  . . . different. Different because I don’t want dinner dates together and the possibility of a future, I don’t believe we are meant for each other, I . . . I just want to lay in his arms, maybe not forever but as much as I can and hear his voice softly talking to me.

I just want sex and conversation. Nothing more. But is so strange because I don’t think I love him but I could.

It is strange because is only sex, but more than sex, it’s what I feel.
Confusion, elation, joy, sadness, more confusion, lust, desire, desire to run either to him or away from him, fear, self-consciousness, lust, lust and the irrational desire to be near him.

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Dani in my dreams

Last night I dreamed of Dani again, for the second night in a row. Not quite sure why since I’m trying to flush him out of my thoughts. Maybe exactly because of it, trying not to think about him I cannot get him out of my mind.

In my dream we were having sex, quite good actually,I was surprised and a bit confused. Confused because in my dream Dani and Steve fused together, but just for a moment when I was feeling his weight on me. I had the thought that Dani was smaller, shorter and then, I looked at him and it wasn’t Dani, it was Steve. But just for a few seconds then, he turned his head and when I put my hands through his hair, it was Dani again. In a moment he felt different somehow, he was someone else or maybe I wanted him to be someone else.

The dream ended and I woke up. Not quite sure what the dream was about, really.

In The Cards

It was in the cards, change is coming.
I feel it in the air, I feel it in the sea.
As I stand at the edge of the world with the swirling clouds above me.
As I stand at the edge of the world.
I see the horizon but nothing more.
The change is coming and I am in fear.
I chose to live without fear.
Self awareness.
Courage.
Change is coming, it is in the cards.
But I see nothing.
The future doesn’t exist, only in our minds.
The past doesn’t exist, only in our memory.
Death’s gift: the death of the past so it would burden us no more.
The gift of Death.
The gift of Death is no fear.
I will go forth not without fear, but
Fear will not control me.

My addiction

My addiction is him.
My addiction is calling him, texting him, following him on Facebook.
My addiction is thinking about him day and night, with every moment of my wake and every dream of my slumber.
My addiction is feeling him with every cell of my body, in every touch, in every breeze, in every raindrop and every sun ray.
My addiction is wanting him with my entire self, absolutely, entirely.
My addiction is him and today is my second day sober.

The Phone Call

I made a decision.
I made a phone call and you answered.
I wasn’t expecting you to answer.
The conversation lasted barely five minutes and it didn’t go as I was expecting, but then my life never goes as I expect it to go, I should know by now.

I cried, and felt lonely and isolated but it has nothing to do with you, what you said, what you think or what you feel. It is hard to live again, for me. It has to do with me, I take responsibility, still, it hurts to think of you.

I feel restless, I fell high and low, I feel in love and I feel not in love, I feel is only you or that is anyone but you.

No more phone call, no more text. No more.

Good bye