Tag Archives: change

Change

Around and around in my own head I go.

Wandering of wanderings.

Sometimes I see it so clearly, it’s so obvious.

Sometimes I clearly see I don’t see it.

What is it about him? What is it about me?

What is is it in this world?

Confusion and pain, in this I live.

In peace and death I wish to be.

In tears I drown, yet none I allow.

Because I know to not, not believe, yet endure.

Endure the reality of  . . . I don’t know what. I only know what not.

What is not, what it won’t. Be.

Be. It’s all I am. I am me.

I am me and I wander and I wonder and I ask.

No answer.

Never. No. Not. Always.

Always the same that it is not.

I know. I know. I even know why. But nothing will change.

I will change.

I need to change.

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Couples 

As I sit drinking my hibiscus tea I see couples coming and going, enjoying their Sunday afternoon.

As I sit barefoot in my worned Target t-shirt and wrinkled cotton pants I inwardly cringe at them.

The cool guys with fedoras, slick hair and matching lumberjack beards. The beautiful girls with flowing long hair and oh so fashionable boutique clothing and designer sandals.

When did this happened? I wonder. When did my relaxed no-give-a-shit town turn I to this pasarela?

But then, it’s not really my town; and this people have always existed here, there and everywhere; and really I’m being judgemental.

They made me want to not shower, and wear last year’s fashion – wrinkled – , and dye my hair purple and come in after a day at the beach treading sand and with salty and crazy hair.

Maybe I’m just  . . . Me.

Without a start

I feel the change on you, I feel it now and I felt it then.
I feel the change in me too. The change . . . Different in me than in you, more dangerous in me than in you, more clear in me, to me.
I know where this change leads, I know where it will take me, but I don’t want to go there.
The path that leads me there goes through you, through you I want to go, with you I want to be, but where the path ends. . .
I know where it ends, it’s not an end it’s just a stop. A stop to the journey, but there is no journey since I agreed there wouldn’t be. Nonetheless I have traveled, but I remain in the same place, but I am not.
How it is that . . . ? There’s no journey, there’s no path just the end to it all.
Again and again what remains it’s the journey’s end. The end without a start, the end without a path, the end and nothing else but the end without a start.

Flower and Shadow

Never was a farewell so short,
Never I imagined it would be forevermore,
Never did I love someone so much.

No faith, no trust,
No guide, no god,
Love only for a lost cause.

You are my flower and I your shadow,
My world is still lost and abandoned,
To seek, to wonder, to never find you.

Fate cannot be changed,
Nor destiny cheated,
I never suffered my soul to be taken.

Resoutions . . . Out the window

Did you ever wished you were different because of a boy?
Did you ever wished you were different because of a man?
Were you ashamed of wishing such a thing?

Do you battle every day against it?
Fiercely screaming at yourself?
To love yourself as you are?
To never wish to be different . . . for him.

And, then after all . . .
A word, his word
A smile, his smile

And you melt like the Wicked Witch of the West in a rainstorm.