Tag Archives: broken heart

As I sit here

As I sit here I think of nothing else. Nothing else at all but the one, one and only  – or is it lonely? – thought. The thought, the thought, the thought like a plague that starts small and takes you to the grave. The grave of my soul, the grave of my heart, the grave of my life to end it all. End it all at once, but not my life, but not my soul, but not my heart, but that one lonely, only plague-like thought.

The thought of thoughts, the only one. But multiplying until there is none. None other, no others, not many and not few. An image and smile and then all it’s done. Done forever, done for never, done and done and done again. A cycle that never ends. A cycle, a cycle, a bicycle that goes and goes and never gets there.

A never ending story, a never ending cycle of cycles as it repeats and repeats but is never the same and always . . . always the end. The same end, a different story but along came a spider, a story? A cycle? Again and again I go. First, I was blind, then I was naive, and now with my eyes wide open and my heart cracked and broken. For what else can one thought do if it has already taken my heart and my soul? It has taken all, has taken me and myself and my oxidized heart, in pieces and stitched up.

Stitched up heart, a stitched up soul, a stitched up life. A life made up, a life created, a life lived and now pervaded by one little lonely thought, a life so full, a life so lost and a life yet found. Found a life, found a heart, found a smile and there it is. It is a lonely, little thought that kills me slowly and gives me life. The life of hopeless romantics which I am not. The life of  . . . of those I don’t want to be, the life, the life I don’t want to live.

And yet, I live, I live beyond this lonely thought. I live as if it does not exist and I push and push until is nearly gone. Forgotten it stays until the end of the day,

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In love

I love him, I love him so,

I feel his pain as mine, he does not feel mine so,

To wait in vain for him to come,

To conquer his fear, but he does not,

He walks alone, but then I see,

He loves me so? But no, not ever, no . . . 

I endure the pain, my broken soul,

I walk away with my broken pieces nothing more,

To him I went, but no more,

To him, for him my heart yearns so much,

He knows not how deep in my soul he is?

He wonders why I don’t come back to him?

No, he knows not,

No, he wonders not,

No, his fear is his, 

No, my love is mine.

What is going on inside that heart of yours?
What is going on in that mind of yours?

You cooked for me, we watched a movie, we cuddled, drank wine and had sex. For goodness sake we had ice cream!
And then you turned colder than the iceberg that sank the Titanic.

I understand and respect that bachelor life that you can’t stop talking about,
I wonder who you are trying to convince? You or me?
What I don’t understand is what you do when it comes to me.

Now you’re hot and now you’re cold,
Now you are solicitous and kind, and now you are distant and so far away.

As my advice, you should have sex with someone who doesn’t care,
Who doesn’t care about you and then, they won’t get hurt.
As my advice, you should have sex with someone for whom you care,
Someone you care about and then, you won’t hurt them.

Things that I can do nomore

  1. I cannot watch Inspector Lewis or Midsummer Murders anymore
  2. I can’t go into a  T.J. Maxx without tearing up
  3. Jurassic Park has been completely spoiled for me
  4. There is no hiking for me, I may not set foot on a national forest or state park anymore
  5. Christmas Day has been utterly destroyed
  6. Now no one can run his hands through my hair, it would send shivers down my spine
  7. I will not play Go anymore
  8. Lincoln and Child, I will not read them anymore
  9. Pancakes for breakfast make me throw up
  10. I can’t bear anybody making coffee for me
  11. I  feel the need to destroy all malachite in the world

These are some of the things you have stolen from me. These are some of the thing you have left me without.
You have left me without the solace of company for my sleepless nights, my nightmares are now all alone. The stressed heartbeat in my chest goes now unattended, my secret smile remains a secret forever more. I cook not, who would eat my meals anyways? There are no more Sundays at the swimming pool, or coffee and cake at the library, no walking hand in hand, no cutting off your hair and no singing The Beatles in the car, no road trips, no take out on Fridays.

Nowhere to lay my head.

Internet Stalker

111814Bruce is a man who doesn’t deserved me,
Bruce is a man who broke my heart,
Bruce is a man who is less than a man,

Yet . . . I find him so damn attractive that I can’t stop stocking his band Facebook page!!!!
Am I going crazy?