Category Archives: Random Thoughts

Pain

I laugh and laugh all through my tears, for whom or what I do not know. For me, I think, for my battered soul, or is it my heart that took the toll? My heart, my mind, I’m loosing both for something that doesn’t last or even exist, of this I’m sure.
For pain it comes from knowing not, confusion and being lost. Lost in someone? Lost somewhere? Lost every day and everywhere.
The pain it comes from within, for me and for him. Not to see, not to understand, to talk, to hear, but exactly what? What I say but not what I mean. I don’t understand and neither does he.
And this is where we stand. Confused, in pain, not knowing what is what. I wonder if we’ll ever understand what we really mean when we talk.

Couples 

As I sit drinking my hibiscus tea I see couples coming and going, enjoying their Sunday afternoon.

As I sit barefoot in my worned Target t-shirt and wrinkled cotton pants I inwardly cringe at them.

The cool guys with fedoras, slick hair and matching lumberjack beards. The beautiful girls with flowing long hair and oh so fashionable boutique clothing and designer sandals.

When did this happened? I wonder. When did my relaxed no-give-a-shit town turn I to this pasarela?

But then, it’s not really my town; and this people have always existed here, there and everywhere; and really I’m being judgemental.

They made me want to not shower, and wear last year’s fashion – wrinkled – , and dye my hair purple and come in after a day at the beach treading sand and with salty and crazy hair.

Maybe I’m just  . . . Me.

Y

I know I am to care, and I do.

I know I am to suffer, but I don’t.

I wait for the pain to come, I wait for the tears to flow, I wait for my soul to be tortured and my heart to be wretched but I feel nothing.

I feel nothing but the silence and the calmness that nothingness brings.

Nothingness and the care for someone who doesn’t care.

How can it be that if I care, I feel nothing?

Message to the universe

I am in love with you.

Are you in love with me?

If you are, text me that you have Fuji apples.

Sometimes 

Sometimes I remember when I used to wake up at night, with the nightmare still fresh in my mind. With the fear making me cry for an already forgotten reason.

Then I would looked around me in the dark, hear you breathing. Just that sound would make me feel better.

Now, I remember the nightmares, I remember the fear, I remember the sound of your breathing at night what I don’t remember is the way you made me feel. 

Your voice, your touch, the smell of your shampoo because you went to bed with your hair wet. But the way you made me feel is gone. The reason for the way you made me feel is also gone.

I cannot remember why.