I don’t know what I’m waiting for, or even if I am waiting for anything at all. In truth I was looking forward to a broken heart since it seems to improve my writing. But no depressing thoughts or emotionally charged thoughts of loneliness so far.
I have my moments though, a thought of him, about him, surprises me now and then. Some times I want to tell him something, or sometimes I just want to put my head on his chest – yes, yes I know . . . This is utterly throw-up gagging can’t stand it ridiculousness. Other times I remember his dark moods and everything makes sense.
I’m not sure what’s happening. I keep imagining the weirdest things to try and get a reaction from within me. For example, what if I saw him with a girlfriend? Nothing. What if I saw him with a gorgeous girlfriend? Nothing, well . . . Nope, nothing. I know I like him, I can feel it, but still no heart wrenching pain.
I was pretty mad last week, hurt, confused . . . Then I laughed as I hadn’t laugh in a while. I wish, I wish so many things that cannot be because I am me and he is him. I wouldn’t like him if he wasn’t him, but that also means I can’t be with him. A conundrum, but only for me. Well, for both but he would never admit it.
Today a very weird thing happened as I rode the bus home from work today. When I was in college I used to go to this Spanish cafeteria called Las Torres, I used to go there with my best friend and a couple of other friends when I was in college. It seems so long ago and yet just yesterday, and it seems . . . so far, far away . . . I just remember it, all of a sudden.
I remember the wooden table and chairs, the dim lighting, the . . . was it an aquarium? It was the place to be, the place to see, the place, our place. I remembered it all of a sudden, and then I messaged my best friend. From long time ago, for far away across the sea, from an age were we ran barefoot on the sand.
And by a chance she, a million miles away in space and time, was just so driving in front of Las Torres.
I wanted to arrive early, I didn’t but I arrived just before you did. I looked around but I was so nervous I really didn’t want to find you. I went in and order a hibiscus mint ice tea – as it happens you ordered the same thing -, then I sat outside and decided to . . . Well, I’m not sure what I decided but I sat and waited and I sweated and got increasingly nervous..
Then I saw you, or maybe you saw me and you smiled and tilted your head.
And you laughed and looked out to the distance and told me about your dog and then you asked for my number but never texted me. Well, OK it was only two days ago. . .
Floating away in the total blueness of your eyes. Absolute silence, except for the sound of the ocean. I see a big green-blue expanse, no! I don’t, I feel it, around me, enveloping me, carrying me away into oblivion. For it is oblivion to loose myself in you, when I forget all others. There is nothing else and there is everything. Everything within me! And you. You, you, always you. . . . Since before we met and after we are gone and forget each other. Always you. And we will be memories, of nothing and everything. Memories of moments that only i remember. Maybe more. Maybe. . . If what I see is true. That it may be.
A mystery, a life that only makes sense in your eyes.