Category Archives: Poetry

Change

Around and around in my own head I go.

Wandering of wanderings.

Sometimes I see it so clearly, it’s so obvious.

Sometimes I clearly see I don’t see it.

What is it about him? What is it about me?

What is is it in this world?

Confusion and pain, in this I live.

In peace and death I wish to be.

In tears I drown, yet none I allow.

Because I know to not, not believe, yet endure.

Endure the reality of  . . . I don’t know what. I only know what not.

What is not, what it won’t. Be.

Be. It’s all I am. I am me.

I am me and I wander and I wonder and I ask.

No answer.

Never. No. Not. Always.

Always the same that it is not.

I know. I know. I even know why. But nothing will change.

I will change.

I need to change.

Strong

I can do it. I can get through this. I have done it before and it was worst.

I can do it. I am strong. It was death before and I am alive.

I can do it. I am a woman. I am a survivor of many things, of this too.

I  can do it.

The way I feel now

They burn my face, the cut my skin leaving behind the proof of my emptiness.

I bear the scars of my love and my loss and the pain . . . The pain so sweet and the release so complete.

The oblivion and the darkness of death calls me to them. Or are they in me already?

The numbness spreads from within me, the ice.

The ice sharp as needles, from inside me slowly crawling to the surface.

To feel it. To feel nothing. To slowly give in.

Accept to be one, only one. In the cold, in the darkness, in the arid emptiness of human life.

Believe him

Believe him when he shows you who he truly is.

He asked me to go to dinner, we are not dating just fucking, just friends.

He asked me if he treats me respectfully, if he treats me right, I said yes.

He ditch me to dog-sit for a friend. He did not asked if I mind, he did not asked if I cared.

This is not respectful, this is not considerate.

“If you would have minded, I would have done the same. I wouldn’t have cared.”

We are not dating, just fucking, just friends. Don’t I deserve respect?

This is who he truly is. With me because there’s nothing else. Not caring if I care.

No respect for a friend, no respect for myself.

He has shown me who he truly is. I believe him.

 

Slowly we come together, holding hands only in our minds and kissing in the shadows.
Slowly we see each other as we are, and accept maybe not only ourselves.
Slowly we strip and stand naked with our personalities exposed and raw.
Slowly we heal and understand.

We wait, we watch each other expecting the pain.
We wait for the darkness, we see it in the brightest light.
We wait for the deceit that never comes and the betrayal that lives only in our hearts and not each other’s.
We wait for the end, the doom, the proof that our pain is real and it’s not ours but each other’s.

I wonder why we don’t embrace the truth, the light and don’t let go of the shadow of pain that doesn’t exist.