The night settles as I walk through my evening, the sunlight fades and disappears as I approach my destination.
The shadows rise, grow, from all corners of this stinking city to surround me in a greenish and glowing darkness.
The darkness follows me as I wander past my destination, through the night, through the dirty snow, through the sleeping geese, through everything and nothing.
I run and run but I can never get away from this place, an endless circle, a figure eight, and infinity that comes back again.
Alice in a nightmare Wonderland.
I feel the fear grip me. I feel the cold flow and bubble up and down my spinal cord. My spinal fluid burns like ice.
Crawling inch by inch like an army of frozen insects underneath the surface of my skin.
I wrap myself in a blanket. I sit under the sun at the window.
Nothing. The cold invades me from the inside out.
I start to tremble violently, the spasms shake my body and I start to cry.
I can’t breathe!
The cold, like a frozen beastly bite grabs at my stomach and I fall to the floor.
I throw up in pain.
The cold, stinking and foul creeps up my throat and out of my mouth.
Sharp, red unforgiving ice spills on the floor.
I hear the rain on the roof. We have thunderstorms tonight and I am thinking of you.
The sound of the water, the music of the thunder.
I remember you naked and without your glasses.
I remember you.
I remember your sex.
I dream of you and stormy nights sleeping in your arms.
It rains and is so relaxing.
I remember you.
I wake up in the darkness, my heart racing, the endless tentacles of fear tightening their choking hold on my soul.
This night I’m alone in the darkness, and tears flow freely as I realize my own unavoidable mortality. I fear the ticking clock of the biology of human nature, the decaying and the relentless approach of death.
I will die alone, as alone I was born and alone I live my whole life, alone…
Loneliness is the curse of my life or it maybe just human nature. And then into eternal emptiness, the great black hole of nothingness that awaits us all.
Last night I dreamed that I was in Rapid City taking a picture of my mother and my paternal great grandmother. As I looked through the viewfinder on my digital camera I saw the shadow of Death. In his cloak it was like a black cut-out, gliding through the background, visible only through the viewfinder its shape repeating itself.
I woke up and called my mother and then my father.