Category Archives: Life

I am in love

I am in love. I’m not sure when it started, although I think I know how, with his smile definitely with his smile.

He is imperfect and he is so guarded with his feelings that he hurts me, not all the time but enough times for me to know that, even though I love him he does not love me.

We haven’t spend time together in four weeks, real time I mean, not just bitching about work in a safe public place. I knew it the moment I told him I was hurt and not mad, the moment I told him he had been inconsiderate and disrespectful that we were done. He never apologized and he never called me back for coffee Sunday mornings or dinner and sex.

He never apologized.

And I never called him back.

I never called him back even though I love him, even though he is in my heart and in my mind constantly. If I did, after what he said to me, I would loose all my self respect and I couldn’t live with myself then.

I can live without him, I can live in pain and sorrow, I can live with my tears and my sleepless nights but I cannot live without self respect.

He told me he didn’t care if I cared. When I was hurt, he didn’t care. Then I knew that even though I loved him and I love him still I couldn’t be with him.

Darkness Falls

As I sit in the rain and darkness falls I am surrounded by strangers and I’m one  in the crowd. The lights in the city envelop us like an electric cocoon, the sky, somehow seems fake.
I feel alone, somehow. I’m not supposed to be this way, I’m not this way, when did I change? And how can I change back?
I listen to the cacophony of voices , drowning in the nonsensical chatter. Why am I here? How can I find my way back?
As darkness falls I search for my way back.

Change

Around and around in my own head I go.

Wandering of wanderings.

Sometimes I see it so clearly, it’s so obvious.

Sometimes I clearly see I don’t see it.

What is it about him? What is it about me?

What is is it in this world?

Confusion and pain, in this I live.

In peace and death I wish to be.

In tears I drown, yet none I allow.

Because I know to not, not believe, yet endure.

Endure the reality of  . . . I don’t know what. I only know what not.

What is not, what it won’t. Be.

Be. It’s all I am. I am me.

I am me and I wander and I wonder and I ask.

No answer.

Never. No. Not. Always.

Always the same that it is not.

I know. I know. I even know why. But nothing will change.

I will change.

I need to change.

Someone else is dead

The house was crowded and dark. Full of furniture and full of . . . things. All kind of things, stacked up, piled on top of each other, I remember specifically the chimney mantle covered in dusty books.

The phone rang and my mother picked up. I thought it was A so I took the phone from her. It was him, he told me his friend Steven was dead. The problem is, I don’t think he has a friend named Steven.

Dream interpretation:

Death

To dream about death represents change. Your personality or life situation is transforming for better or worse. An area of your life has come to an end, an era is over, or roles are shifting.

http://www.dreambible.com

Strong

I can do it. I can get through this. I have done it before and it was worst.

I can do it. I am strong. It was death before and I am alive.

I can do it. I am a woman. I am a survivor of many things, of this too.

I  can do it.