All posts by Aliluna

I am a writer because I write, because I've always have and always will.

Pain

I laugh and laugh all through my tears, for whom or what I do not know. For me, I think, for my battered soul, or is it my heart that took the toll? My heart, my mind, I’m loosing both for something that doesn’t last or even exist, of this I’m sure.
For pain it comes from knowing not, confusion and being lost. Lost in someone? Lost somewhere? Lost every day and everywhere.
The pain it comes from within, for me and for him. Not to see, not to understand, to talk, to hear, but exactly what? What I say but not what I mean. I don’t understand and neither does he.
And this is where we stand. Confused, in pain, not knowing what is what. I wonder if we’ll ever understand what we really mean when we talk.

Walk through the darkness of everyday life after the loss of a friend. Thinking and feeling what was to have a friend, what was to share a cup of coffee, what was to live everyday life with a little more light than I have now.

To learn and to relearn to move, to breathe, to talk, to work . . . To function without my friend. A friend, a good and true friend, such a rare thing to find, such an oddity an anomaly – at least in my life.-

A friend lost forevermore. No god, no heaven, no afterlife for me and therefore forever without my friend I will be.

Scotland 

Last night I dreamed that I went to Scotland with Anthony.

I remember we were the airport and I remember Anthony.

But as always my cats woke me up.

Cycling with R

It was a beautiful day in the city, as I looked around I saw the beautiful architecture, the luscious trees and the endless sky. Everything had a metallic sheen that reflected the sunlight with a strange vibrant quality.
I looked ahead and I saw him, R,  smiling and waiving at me. He had his hands on a bicycle, and to my surprise I was holding one too. We were going to ride through the city together, just the thought of it made me smile. Riding through a beautiful city with the wind on my face.
Bike.

Often a bicycle appears in dream when you are trying to balance a number of situations an you are striving to get to a destination that you are trying to achieve your future objectives regarding love affairs. To fall off a bike indicates that you have misplaced situations.
This dream is suggestive of a rather functional attitude towards self-motivation, you probably need to look at balance in your emotions and feelings when encountering a people.
Positive changes are afoot if…

  • The dream is enjoyable and did not involve an accident.
  • You were going on a relaxing bike ride.

Anthony David

It seems I am at the end and the beginning, of what it is gone and what it is to come. 

For what may come, I can only dream it, wish it and either, wait for it or run to it. But it would be to run into nothingness.

My dreams come true, if only . . . A memory only or wishful thinking. Unrealistic, exactly, I know reality too well.

To be loved why does it seem that we are not to love ourselves too? To be loved why does it seem that we are to sacrifice our heart and soul?

To keep them, to keep myself then it is for me the endless death of ongoing existence. Or it could only be that I feel sad today and tomorrow he will be gone from my thoughts.

Gone forever, until I see him again or hear him, or maybe until I see a cat or hear the rain. I’ll  forget him until my next Sunday morning cup of coffee.

Or maybe tomorrow I’ll remember when I was hurt, or when I cried, or when I didn’t understand and this thoughts will push him out of my mind.

At the end and at the beginning as it is suppose to be. To make room for what it is to come some things need to be gone. 

Gone, but not gone, never or maybe always.