Practice stream of consciousness 

I don’t know what I’m waiting for, or even if I am waiting for anything at all. In truth I was looking forward to a broken heart since it seems to improve my writing. But no depressing thoughts or emotionally charged thoughts of loneliness so far.

I have my moments though, a thought of him, about him, surprises me now and then. Some times I want to tell him something, or sometimes I just want to put my head on his chest – yes, yes I know . . . This is utterly throw-up gagging can’t stand it ridiculousness. Other times I remember his dark moods and everything makes sense.

I’m not sure what’s happening. I keep imagining the weirdest things to try and get a reaction from within me. For example, what if I saw him with a girlfriend? Nothing. What if I saw him with a gorgeous girlfriend? Nothing, well . . . Nope, nothing. I know I like him, I can feel it, but still no heart wrenching pain.

I was pretty mad last week, hurt, confused . . . Then I laughed as I hadn’t laugh in a while. I wish, I wish so many things that cannot be because I am me and he is him. I wouldn’t like him if he wasn’t him, but that also means I can’t be with him. A conundrum, but only for me. Well, for both but he would never admit it.

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