My wish

Indeed in life there are always regrets, but is it regret for what you did or for what you didn’t do? And how do you decided which values are you going to compromise? Is self-respect one of them? What should I have done? Because I did see you. Did you see me? With your face buried in your phone. I wanted you to contact me, and you did, and I told you not to contact me again. I’m not sure why I did that, but it didn’t feel good. I mean, reading your words felt good, felt like I wanted to be with you, but then what? That is why it didn’t feel good, I think, because there wouldn’t be an after.
Not that you would be interested in knowing why I said it, but I need to say it if only for my own sake and even if you don’t ever hear it, or read it. I never quite understood what happened in the end between us, I know it started with something I’m not sure what, I said on that last day, but it doesn’t really matter now after so long. It has been a long time for some things but not so long for others, I remember believing you and remember how I felt when you call me, the confusion and despair. Not that you are directly responsible for my feelings, because you are not, but my feelings towards you and towards me on that particular moment were so  . . . wrecking that truly I am afraid to go over it one more time. Only in absolute drunkenness I was able to forget and, yes, drunk-text you.
I don’t know why after the drunk-texting incident and the following text expressing my desire for us not to be in contact you still contacted me. I don’t know what you wanted and that scared me. You said just to keep in touch or something like it, but was it true? What is it that you really wanted? And why after I was so hurt would you want to get back in touch with me? My drunkenness not withstanding.
I wanted to answer you that I, that I . . . had been waiting for you. Waiting for your call, or your text or something, anything really but when it came I felt that if I told you the truth I would be loosing not only my self respect but the little respect that you may have left for me. So, I kept my self respect and gave you up, that is if I ever really had you at all, which I doubt. Giving you up was hard, in fact I don’t think I can actually give you up completely, but . . . I’m just tired of being hurt and being strong.

In truth I got my wish, I just wasn’t specific enough.


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