You cannot go back

Today I dreamed with Donnie. It was . . . an indescribable sensation of  . . . I don’t know how to describe it. It was like reliving a death of a love one. Because it was like death.
I was back in Austin and he had his old Nissan Xterra, he came back and it was all as it was before, when we were dating in South Dakota. But it was all a lie, the same as before, all he said and all he did it was all a lie. Discovering the lie was  . . . A pain so, so unbearable only by waking and remembering it was all over long ago I was able to overcome the sensation.

I do remember one thing very clearly and that was asking Donnie if his mother was dead. When he asked me why I asked him and I told him that it would make me very happy to know that she was dead.

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